“Whoever seeks to save his life will lose it and whoever loses his life will save it.” ~ Jesus (Luke 17:33)
This Bible verse popped into my head one night and stayed with me for days, rattling around in my head like a ghost, flowing through my veins with each beat of my heart, following me like a shadow, circling overhead where ever I went; if so much as took a peek upwards, there they’d be like a flock of ravens riding the currents, camped out in the branches of every tree. Okay, I generally don’t consider myself Christian and definitely don’t have a Bible reading practice. In fact, at that point it had been many years since I picked up a Bible to read. The Beloved is trying to get my attention and doing a very good job of it.
Me: What is it You want from me?
The Divine: “Your entire life.”
Me: But I already gave You that.
The Divine: “It’s time to go deeper.”
Oh, dear. That sounds scary, but okay. My acceptance speech as always: let it be done to me as You say. Why? I know from experience at this point I’d be absolutely miserable if I resist, say no, try to go my own way. I figure the Divine knows way more than I do, so even if it’s gonna make me look stupid or like a total loser* I’ll be happier for it. May as well say yes right from the start and go where I’m guided.
My life feels different these days. Not much has changed on the outside, but there’s a lot happening in places I can’t readily see and I can feel it. Like (yet another) death is in process. Sometimes I think “GEEBERZ! Haven’t I already died enough by now? I barely recognize myself anymore.” But no, there’s always more to release. If I can love others with open hands, I must also learn to do this with myself. It’s the clinging to stuff, to my old, worn out, rotting baggage definitions of “me” I must love myself enough to let go of. It’s not needed and keeps me from my true goal. I know I probably look stupid or weird or like I’ve lost my marbles* (didn’t need them), but then whatever. I am as I am as I am.
I texted my cousin and asked her what chapter and verse the quote was and nearly cried when I saw it in her answer. Those spontaneous tears again. I was so eager to read it, I downloaded a Bible app just to accomplish the deed. It’s still on my devices. The verse is now my wallpaper on my tablet. A reminder. (The Bible app I downloaded has a feature where you can use stock photos and make inspirational quote pictures.) I was kind of nervous at first. Finally, it became so overwhelming I realized in that instance that whatever it is the Divine asks of me, no matter what it is or ever will be, I will do it. Even if it means the loss of everything. Even if it means going through scarier places than I’ve already been, even if it means my complete and utter annihilation and people refer to me as a cautionary tale: “Oh, but she went too far.”
All became quiet.
The verse is still there, though now it’s sunken into my heart. It was no small thing the Divine asked of me and it’s no small thing for me to say yes. I could have said no. I can still decide “NUH-UH! This is way too much! I changed my mind!” But then I would feel comepletely OUT of my mind. More shaking of the snow globe is in progress. I have no idea where the flakes will fall or if the whole thing will be shattered on the rocks below. No idea whatsoever. Sometimes I’m really scared. Since I agreed, I feel a sense of inner peace and calm I have never felt before. I am not being asked to go alone. The Divine asked me what I would give for the Pearl of Great Price I was being offered. I offered everything in return. Literally everything I have: all that I am, all I ever will be. He smiled and likewise said “Yes.”
*My answer to even the barest brush with the thought “I’ll look stupid, like a total loser” was yet another Bible verse: “The wisdom of God is the folly of men.” With warmth. And a chuckle. My Beloved is playful, has a sense of humor and seems to like talking to me via Bible verses these days.