Life for me currently has lost something of its meaning, its savor. The world seems a faded, washed out place. I’m having trouble finding the motivation to do anything at all aside from stare blankly at walls or perhaps sit in the woods or in a park. Just sit. No thought and certainly no talking. GAH! Right now, I absolutely abhor talking! Strangely enough, I love the feeling of community. As long as we’re all doing something together other than sitting around talking. Cooking, baking, gardening, cleaning is all fine in proximity to one another. Just sitting around visiting? No, thank you. Not right now. Everything grates. I can’t stand the flourescent lighting in stores, the jarring, saccharine notes of pop music, the sound of crying babies, barking dogs, voices, voices, voices! Everything is too loud: people’s presences are too loud, their thoughts are too loud, the energy of the city is too loud. It often feels like most people are moving through the world randomly shooting off quills from themselves. They hurt, so I hurt. Somebody PLEASE SHUT IT ALL OFF AND FOR GOODNESS’ SAKE, STOP TOUCHING ME!!! In many ways it feels like I’ve just come through some severe trauma. I feel raw, scrubbed out, bland. The strangest things will scare me or set me on edge. I feel vulnerable and exposed, both empty and in need of emptying myself.
At the same time, there is a stillness, a sweetness, a something (or Someone) holding me. If this is what is meant by dark night of the soul, it doesn’t feel very dark at all. I could see all around me just fine if there was something to see besides endless, shifting mists. I’m not in darkness; I’m just waiting. The only thing that brings me pleasure is connecting to the Divine in any and every way It chooses to share Itself with me. That’s where the colors come from, the world comes really and truly alive then. It surprises me that most people completely miss how sweet and playful the Divine is! I wonder how millennia of humans have mostly missed out on this very important knowing in favor of some bleak, pinchy-faced, big meanie with a perpetual grudge and toothache? I suspect most humans have not truly met the Divine at all, or at the very least haven’t spent much time with Him. It’s as though we’ve crafted our world to put as much space between us and any chance we might have of encountering the Divine. But It is crafty, the Divine. It breaks in where It wills and boops us anyway.
The in between feels more like unreality. I don’t feel bleak or numb. It’s more like being in suspension. I am here. No thoughts, no emotions most of the time. Soft, gentle, catching glimpses through out the day of the world through very different eyes. Sometimes I hear through my eyes and breathe through my skin, I can taste things, hear things, touch things just by gently placing my attention on them. I recently discovered that the leaves of aspens tinkle like tiny, shimmering bells. Beneath all the hideousness of modernity, the World has the most beautiful fragrance! And the sparkly, golden glow
that surrounds and emanates from everything…. I wonder is this is what Jesus meant when He said you must be made anew, you must be reborn? Either that or I’m going crazy and none too slowly.
So what to do while all this happens? Wait. That’s what I’m doing: waiting. Not like there’s anything else for me to do, anyway. Since what I had has become pointless, I’m waiting for the Divine to give me another meaning. I’m waiting for another dimension to open for me, some new or already present thing to take shape, stand out and point my pointlessness in the direction of a new reason to be here. Until then, I find myself barely able to function in any normal way. I often sequester myself away to do quiet things like practice with my drop spindle or learning crochet. I frequently read, though I have to be careful since not only the topic but the feel of the author can be jarring. But I wait. I practice letting go of everything that doesn’t serve anymore. When my Beloved is ready, I will begin again.