I’ve been doing deep womb work lately. Interesting the things you find when you set about clearing more space for beauty and love in your life, when you intend to heal, to consistently move more and more into alignment with Who-you-are. The insecurities start to pour out like a midsummer’s monsoon, flooding your life with old, long-carried hurts. They can seem to come out of nowhere and threaten to overwhelm and drown you. It would be a mistake for me to latch onto any hurt in particular; this is a sure fire way to get swept along and swirled in the flood of emotional baggage/sewage that’s removing itself. Still, occasionally I get taken in by some loud, repetitive pain as it swishes by.
A common litany sung by my insecurities is “you’re too much” and its flip side “you’re not enough”. They can sound like many things: “you’re too loud,” “you’re too weird,” “you’re too sexual/sensual/natural,” “you’re too soft/too small/too vulnerable/too perky/too happy/too exhuberant…. too, too, too it drones on – too much.
From the other side: “you’re not fast enough”,”why don’t you cook more,” “you should be more aggressive,” “you’re not a very good housekeeper,” “you know, so-and-so is faster/smarter/more successful/prettier/tidier/more motherly than you,” blah, blah, blah – not good enough. And never in the moment, never interacting with what’s actually there going on front and center, never interacting with what actually IS – right now, in the moment. High on the scale of lack, of what’s “missing”. In a roomful of diamonds, this perspective seeks out the one or two lumps of coal, ignoring the sparkling beauty overflowing the room.
Who cares what I’m NOT? Why does it even matter? Because it doesn’t, that’s why. It doesn’t matter at all unless I say it does. There’s a hell of a lot of awesome that I AM. I can celebrate, honor and pay attention to that and let the crap keep flowing on away from me, yammering mindlessly as it goes. And this is only the beginning, the tip of the iceberg. There’s more lodged in my womb needing release. When its turn comes to be set free, the Scariest-Most-Awful-Things in there will likely blindside me and spin me for a loop before I catch myself or my Guides/Guardians throw me a lifeline to help me pull myself out of the muck. Then again, this may be the worst of it. I’m accepting of either path or of another completely different one I haven’t thought of. In the meantime, I’ve got a roomful of diamonds to play with.