Yesterday before bed, I pondered the question “what would it be like if I spent a year living like the things that matter most to me actually MATTERED?” and promptly decided that is how I would proceed from that moment on. Mixed in with this was me being put on notice that the Horned One, the Divine Masculine would be entering my life whether I was ready for it or not. So, here I am: the Horned God showing up in my morning journeying/meditation and occasionally talking to me throughout the day and a decision to live life on my terms with me as the most important person, my values, loves, desires and passions as the most important things, fuck everything else. Enter emotional detox time.
Big surprise there, to be honest (no, not really). It feels scary and weird and all I’ve done thus far is change my perspective, though admittedly that is the hardest part. Once that commitment was made my whole world seemed to change, spin on its axis, flip inside out. It seemed a tiny enough shift but it feels like standing in a whole different realm. There is no “going back”; that road no longer exists. Besides, what would I be going back to? That’s a liked that no longer belongs to me. I am no longer the same person who created that life, so it no longer fits. I would be profoundly unhappy trying to figure out how to function in a world I no longer belong in. The only way for me now is forward.
My new chapter has begun with a big bout of emotional clearing: a deep sadness and depression that put me to bed for hours today. I take that as a big, flashing “YOU’RE ON THE RIGHT PATH!!!” sign. Sure, I feel a bit out of body, a bit scared (okay, more than a bit) and a whole lot like I just beamed into a parallel universe. That’s to be expected, I suppose. Change can feel weird like that sometimes. But I have been put on notice that the way I’ve been living up to now is no longer viable. My cards of the day today were the ten of wands and the ten of swords. The old doors and ways are gone. I of course will mourn their loss and many things will feel burdensome as I move forward. But more forward I must and I shall – either willingly or kicking and screaming. My choice.