Kinda funny being single again. I thought I was being silly when I found myself teary and bummed after Doug and I split a few weeks back. I had thoughts of “Maybe we can give this one more shot with me putting in more effort?” Seriously?!? I didn’t make up the (very good, solid) reasons I had for wanting out of the marriage. I realized it was fear and habit that had me thinking that way. Fear that I wasn’t ready and I’d end up on the streets and the habit of just having Doug in my life everyday for the last quarter century, regardless of the quality of that constant presence. We were there in each other’s space and lives. We had our habits, our shared jokes, our happy moments, our less-than-happy moments. We each took on certain duties to keep the house and family running as smoothly as we could. We were a decent householding team. Lovers? Intimates? Not so much. So, now we’ve ended our intimate association, though we’ll always be a part of each other’s lives to some degree. That quarter century produced three of the most amazing young men to ever grace the planet: half him, half me. We don’t hate each other (thankfully) and though there’s a good bit of anger on both sides, we’ll eventually work that out on our own time. There’s no hate – at least not on my part and I’m pretty sure not on his either.
So, what does this have to do with me being better than okay? Remember that part about the fear of being on the streets? Well, honestly my gut says very strongly: NOT HAPPENING. Not only am I fine and will I continue to BE fine, but I’m thriving. Notice I said “I’m thriving” not “I will thrive”? Yeah. That’s because it all starts now even when I can’t see it fully. My gut says loud and clear “current state: alive and thriving.” I have no choice but to settle into the thrive and expect that thriving to continue. It’s straight physics: a body in motion will continue to be in motion and it takes considerably more effort/energy to change direction than to continue in the direction already traveling. Since I’m already on the thrive trajectory it’s a lot easier to continue than to derail myself, get all in the mullygrubs and decide to do poorly.
I have to admit I don’t really know HOW to do poorly. I’ve been in a lot of interesting and sometimes less-than-pleasant situations in my nearly five decades on this plane of existence, but I can’t say I’ve ever done poorly. Gotten in some tight spots, sure. Been in places that left me wondering how the hell I got there, but outright done poorly? No. I think to do poorly you actually have to see yourself as being without options, as having no way back to a pleasant state, no way out of a jam. Maybe seeing your current state of unpleasantness not as a jam or a cue to get moving, but as a state of being. I’ve never had that perspective. Plenty of times the Lady has had to give me a shove or kick my butt to get me moving again, especially when I’m being particularly stubborn and silly running the same rutty pattern pretending I can’t see over the edges of the ruts I’m in (like my up-until-recently living situation). Still, my habit has never been to stare at the ground and pretend there’s no sky. Funny how falling can change your perspective on the quick and force the sky into view.