The ending of a marriage is a BIG change. Especially after twenty four years. Even when the end is something desired. Big changes can be scary sometimes. I find myself feeling worthless on occasion. I want nothing. Not a damn thing. Not even to move. Vaguely I wish someone would come along and kick me in the butt, yank the blankets off my head, yell at me to get off my ass because I’m awesome and I got this and the Universe has my back and I’m such an incredible manifestor, etc., etc., blah blah f*ckin’ blah. Yeah. That. It would be hella awesome if that happened. And a bigger miracle if I listened. But it’s not going to because damn it, I’m all I’ve got. And oh-poor-me-I’m-not-all-that-great. (Insert f*ck this kitty gif here along with the face of gloom and irritation.)
The boys have me and they have their dad and they have both sides of their family full of relatives ready to help them in a pinch. Or a punch. Or an oh-f*ck-I’m-about-to-get-run-over. My youngest wanted to stay with me. In moments like these I think he’d have been better off with his dad. There are moments I just want to lay myself out in the desert and let the buzzards pick my bones. It doen’t matter that I’m relieved to have this whole thing come to an end. Right now I’m busy partying with my fears like the world is ending and they’re my bestest buddies in the whole f*cking world. And they brought some friends, too: grief, anxiety, resistence to change. Give it up ’cause Gloom and Doom Chica is in the house! Let the “I’m not smart enough/driven enough/clever enough/OMG I’m gonna end up on the streets” litany begin! Bring in the tears, the cling-on behavior and the worry. I’m getting all up in it! And then a shift starts to happen.
I remember my value. I remember this is a much desired change and I had very good, solid reasons for wanting this. That it’s happening a little sooner than I originally planned doesn’t change that fact. I remember that the Goddess does indeed have my back, that I am indeed an incredible manifestor. I remember the themes I received from the Lady at the beginning of this turn around the sun – faith, courage, surrender – and I remain open and vulnerable even when I want very much to shut down and retreat. So many countings of little things that could’ve been better done or perhaps not done at all. So many places previously numbed coming to life. Places where I believed myself to be both right and happy I now question. Was I correct in my perceptions? Was I happy or just pretending? It’s funny how when new enters your life the old kind of looks “not so bad”. Dunno about you, but I easily forget how miserable I felt, how miserable my misery was making everyone else. I swear some days my fangs were permanently distended; the Lady help anybody in my environment. And no, I didn’t actually need to know you personally. I suppose it’s a case of the “devil that you know” and all that.
And through it all, the Big Scary looms in the background, often not so far back, sometimes right up in my face or draped on my shoulder like we’re best buddies. It makes that pile of hidey blankets in the corner look really inviting. Throw in some chocolate hazelnut fudge ice cream, a few peanutbutter chocolate chip cookies and some tea and I’m good for a nice, long hibernation. To hell with all that spiritual stuff! Now gimme that bag of cookies, shut up and don’t argue with my logic….
The thing is, none of this behavior or thinking feels very good. I don’t particularly like when things don’t feel good. I start working feverishly to find a way back to feeling good, even if I’m not actively aware of it. And it really does get annoying to have the words “faith, courage, surrender” popping into my head/consciousness, periodically reminding me of my theme until my next birthday. (Last year’s theme was integrity and alignment. It was an interesting year. They’re still playing out in the background.) For me the most comfotab;e place to be is in Love, spilling forth from my heart, soaking in from my surroundings, cocooning me gently yet firmly in every action, every breath, every smile. I will do whatever it takes short of stuffing my emotions down to stay in or get back to that place of Love. This meant for me allowing time and space to feel into every painful emotion, every heart ache,every newly awakened numb place. Moving through the pain, the guilt, the shame, letting it flow freely through me until it’s spent. Not a comfortable place to be but growth occurs outside the comfort zone, yeah? I think I’ve just hit a major growth spurt. Sometimes it hurts. A lot. The alternative is worse, though: decay, collapse, death. The only way out is through, so off I get, sliding in sideways with a big ol’ whoop of “YEEEEEHAW!” I’ll see you on the other side!