There was recently a discussion about “popping off” at your sweetie when you don’t get your way. Some call this the “not taking any crap from anybody” approach; some call it “being assertive”. I call it bratty. Plain and simple. Yup! Just plain ol’ bratty. Of the two year old throwing a tantrum variety. Make no mistake, when you talk to someone you purport to love like they’re lower than the dirt of the earth Bratty Cathy just walked in and you let her possess you. Perhaps you and ol’ Cathy are intimate friends with this being your normal mode of operation. Pissy: pissed at the world, pissed at your guy, pissed at yourself. Just pissy. Bratty Cathy LOVES pissy! She and pissy are bffs. She. Will. Destroy. Your. Love. Absolutely, unequivocally, one hundred percent flat line it. Get that mouth under control before your guy gives up and checks out. And for some of us Bratty Cathy has become such a way of life that it’s not only our guy who is ready to give up and get going. Some of us are equal opportunity brats and treat everybody like crap. The problem with Le Brat is that she doesn’t only destroy any love between you and others, she destroys your relationship with yourself as well as your capacity to love. When you’re full of anger and fear there’s precious little room for love. No matter how hard you flap your wings there’s no way you’ll soar if you’re stubbornly clutching a bag full of boulders.
Being angry, and let’s face it, nasty, feels bad. Really bad. When you approach life from the brat pack you’re always on guard lest someone step on your very big, sore and out there toes. Relaxation escapes you. You’re on “CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!!” to quote Mad Eye Moody. No rest for the weary and all that. Being fatigued, angry and unable to rest completely does a number on you and you end up even more cheesed off. So you slip further into Bratville and treat people, especially your honey, like a pile of rotting poop. You end up feeling even worse, since all that anger is piling up, draining you more and literally making you sick. Love and anger cannot coexist. You cannot simultaneously be angry and loving. Vibrationally they’re at opposite ends of the energetic spectrum. If you insist on holding on to anger you cannot also hold space to be in love. I don’t mean “in love” like we usually think of the term: that fluttery, crazy, floaty, anxious feeling we associate with budding intimate relationships. No, when I say in love I mean seeing the world and operating from a loving point of view. Holding on to your anger because you feel you have a right to be angry keeps you out of the place of joy and happiness. By the way, you do have a right to feel anything you choose. Just realize you are choosing to feel the way you feel and you can just as easily choose to feel differently. If you insist on getting down in the gribblies and partying with your anger because, damn it you’re RIGHT, realize you’re choosing to be right over being happy. Being “right” will eat you alive, leaving you haggard, bitter and old long before you’re chronologically “old”. And you’re dooming yourself to chronically feeling bad.
So what’s all this got to do with making sure you’re not a doormat and letting your sweetie know exactly where he can step with that behavior (whatever it is)? Being pissy isn’t insurance against being a doormat, though it is assurance that you’re far more likely to be alone. How do you get out of this nightmare and into the flow of the good stuff? Two things come to mind: clearing and surrender. Yes, surrender – again! But first, the clearing out of all that anger. EFT is an excellent method for clearing anything and everything and is one of my absolute favorite do-it-yourself clearing techniques. It’s a simple technique that can be learned literally in minutes. There are oodles of videos on YouTube and articles on the internet demonstrating the technique, but my favorite place to learn all things EFT is The Tapping Solution. Frankly, you could use any technique you know to clear the anger so long as it gets cleared. And it doesn’t have to take years of talking and examining and analyzing how the neighborhood bully did blah, blah, blah way back when.*
But what about surrender? Where does that come in? And why does it have to? ::end whine:: If the man you’re with is your king (and that means you are his queen; it’s a partnership) he’s likely inclined to operate from his masculine. Kings do that. It’s damnably difficult to do that when you’re coming at him from the same place (thus putting you in the category of rival – not a place you want to be, trust me on this) or from the wishy washy neutral place. It’s also difficult to be a king when your queen is behaving like a fish wife. In response he’ll probably devolve into a potty brained gutter bum. Or leave. And there we sit in tears because yet another man we thought was our king or “The One” has left us in disappointment, further fueling our anger and bitterness.
The thing is, we don’t see how we contributed to our own disappointment and anger. It’s one thing to say “This is me; take me as I am or don’t” but do be prepared when the answer is “don’t” because secretly that’s what we’re after. Behaving like a venom-tongued harpy is a defense mechanism. At the heart of it is a deep fear of not being good enough, a belief that we are somehow deeply flawed. We strike first, protecting that soft, vulnerable inner core. Oddly, the best protection is to allow that vulnerable core to be seen by those we love, not to rip them to shreds. Surrender. Allow another to hold you, to hold space for you. Trust them to have a care in the garden of your inner world and not to have big feet, squashing all your flowers and sprouts. Be a guide to them to help them learn how and where to tread. If they make a mistake have a care with them, let them know firmly but gently. Trust that they want to be of service to you, that they want to help you be happy. They wouldn’t be your sweetheart otherwise.
Be willing to be vulnerable. Start small, as I’ve mentioned previously, and build from there. And while you’re building that trust keep your tongue in check. Glue that hair trigger to the floor! Remember trust goes two ways. If you’re breaking your partner’s trust while trying to build up your trust in him it’s not going to work. Eventually they’re going to start to pull away. When they do, you’re going to feel it and what trust you have will be shaken. Next thing you know you’re back to square one – if you’re lucky – or back to square none. He needn’t leave or go outside the relationship for you to be lonely. Remember this is a person you love; ask yourself is this how you would want someone to treat you if they said they loved you. And if they did would you really believe they loved you as they say they do?
*I can help you clear out old beliefs at the heart of your anger through energetic healing work quickly if you’d like to work with someone to help you stay on track and get to the roots. We don’t even need to be in the same state or country. If that’s a path you’d like to take, contact me and we can go from there.
**There are some partners in our lives who are genuinely out to hurt you. These are not the people I’m talking about. I am only suggesting being vulnerable and open with healthy, well adjusted adults. Those who aren’t in that category have their own issues to deal with. Even if you are a trained therapist, “fixing” them is NOT your job! If at any time you feel your partner is threatening you, GET HELP! I can not stress this enough! There are no awards for needless self sacrifice and no one is going to come along with laurels and awards for putting yourself in needless danger. If you’re in an unhealthy situation and can’t find your way out of it or seem to keep attracting unhealthy relationships do check out Codependents Anonymous as a resource. Also, a coach who also offers energetic healing work can be of service in tandem with a good therapist. Get help!!!