I feel so strange these days. I have been eating cooked food like its going out of fashion, literally STUFFING myself as though to shove something down – HARD. I have been thinking on this and finally came to the realization that I am undergoing some kind of awakening, kind of like in gaming where you level up. I am becoming again. I ate as though I could deaden the sensations beginning to pour through me. Funny thing is I still ate only plants so the deadening is minimal. Last night after eating a bowl of pasta and sauce I felt like I was comfortably shoved inside a pillow. I still felt everything, though.
I guess some kind of description of what’s happening is in order, hmm? To begin with, I generally have a feeling of not-quite-here-ness. This is a constant feeling of slightly out of phase with the world around me, always playing in the background. To notice it all I have to do is pay attention. No matter where I am or what I’m doing it’s always there. I touch my skin and it feels kind of numb-but-not-really, my hands and feet vibrate, the top of my head tingles; I can feel my heart and crown chakras wide open and also my feet. Is there a chakra at my feet? I have heard of such. It feels like standing in a swirling lotus made of pink energy. Head to toe I am vibrating. My spine feels warm and tingly; something warm and viscous is making its way slowly up my spine. When I am either hungry or have only eaten raw food my eyes feel like they are glowing, radiating energy and light as though turning the lights off would show my eyes shining like beacons.
I have ceased my running from my own becoming. I can’t get away from it anyway. The food has made me very aware of this. No matter what I eat or do the becoming will still take place, though I will be less aware and thus less prepared for what is happening. This is always an unpleasant way for things to progress. If I am awake and aware of the process I can ask for help, or more accurately accept the help that is being offered as I need it. I may as well eat the foods that will help in this rather than those that will cause me to feel like I am comfortably stuffed inside a pillow.
The thing about all this is that sometimes I feel like I am perhaps too vulnerable, too open when I am this way. I worry that I will not be any fun to those around me, that I will be too strange. I resist being a mystic only to find my mystical world view leaking out all over the place without my conscious attention. From a mental perspective nothing in this world makes any sense to me. It’s like a language that I can almost read, almost understand, but the sounds and letters blur, run together and reform; I suppose it’s a lot like trying to read a foreign language reflected in a lake, then a pebble plops down in the middle of it all and you can’t read the ripples. When the water is still again something new is there in a different language and now I must begin again. It’s all very confusing! Sometimes I feel like a child, understanding nothing.
Emotionally I feel soft, open, safe and as I have said before, confused. Everything looks like I’ve never seen it before, like someone’s put a dimmer on the color, mufflers on the wind and sun. I am not feeling them as they are or perhaps as I remember them and it feels a little disorienting, like the time between dreaming and fully awake. Every moment I feel like I am on the edge of seeing something that’s supposed to be there, IS there. In fact I can kind of see it already hidden in plain sight, but no one else seems to notice, no one else seems to hear the almost-sounds, smell the almost-smells, taste the emergence of Reality on their lips. Strange, strange, strange. It’s as though the veil is not there for them, or maybe it is but it’s so dense to them they can’t feel it or even notice its presence. Maybe this is why I’m here, to help the veil fall away? Dunno. In the meantime, Doug says the way I feel is something people do drugs to experience. I wouldn’t know. I don’t do drugs.