I’ve taken a totally predictable for me but no less risky turn in my affairs lately. I’ve decided to engage in the practice of Radical Trust: total and utter trust in the Goddess’ generosity, trust that She’s always got my back no matter what. I think it’s totally bizarre that people call it radical to trust implicitly the Being they profess to be all powerful, all knowing and caring. It seems to me that to do anything different than trust would be the strange thing. If the Lady cares and is infinitely generous and loving then what is there to fear in trusting and seeking Her wisdom and asking Her for what you want and need? There are steps along the way to this point, but they aren’t necessarily linear. (Is anything in life truly a linear progression?)
Empowerment is definitely a step on the path but it isn’t the goal. At some point you realize the whole point of empowerment is gaining the confidence to surrender to the Divine. Once you realize that yes indeed you are the creator of your experience and can attract anything you like, you start feeling like “YEAH! I can do this life thing! I rock SO HARD!” Flush with recognition of our own power we head off into our personal wildernesses and forge the lives we desire. But it isn’t enough. Even here at this point on the spiral it feels as if something is missing. As you explore and create and experience the joy of being, a niggling question keeps picking at the periferies of your awareness. Intrigued, you begin making your way towards it.
When I first discovered the jewel of surrender I took off like I’d just encountered a monster. No way was I going to do any kind of surrendering of anything to anybody! I was certain it was a trap. Surrendering meant being vulnerable; vulnerable meant weak and I was having none of that weak stuff. I’d worked too darn hard to acquire my strength, courage and confidence. Give that up? I really didn’t see any reason to bother. I was fine as I was, thankyouverymuch. That’s the cool thing about the Lady: She doesn’t demand or force. You can do as much running away and saying of nay as you please. If not in this life then perhaps in the next you’ll get a little wisdom and take notice of what’s on offer. (By the way, for those of you who honor another than the Goddess, just substitute your own Name of choice for the Divine and keep going.)
So why is it that surrender is so scary? One clue for me was the suggestion in surrender of making myself vulnerable. Like I said before there was no way I was doing any kind of vulnerability. No way, no how. To be vulnerable is to be exposed; to be exposed is potentially to be weak. Not happening. Weak = dead, either emotionally or physically. I wasn’t going there. I mean, I’m the sort of person who will generally not sit with her back to a doorway. I can’t see who might be sneaking up on me from behind. I will know where the exits are in a room as I enter and have a plan of escape no matter where I am should the scaries come calling. I definitely have a few trust issues. I’m working on them. But in the face of the Divine you’re ALWAYS vulnerable. Puny human will do what exactly should the Lady decide to deliver you harm? What defenses do we really have against the Creator? I thought so. So the idea of “I’m not gonna let myself be vulnerable to the Goddess” is delusional. It’s our favorite delusion, but no less delusional than expecting to leap off the roof and sprout wings on the way down.
When you’re accustomed to being the biggest, baddest scary on the planet as a species it can be disconcerting to think there is an even bigger, badder Being Who could do as It wills with you and there’s not a darn thing you can do about it so we pretend we an put said Being in a box and bargain with It, but not really keep our part of the bargain too much. Or maybe deny Its existence or our need for Its help. Whatevs. It’s our lives, right? But what if we’re wrong about vulnerability and surrender? What if we’re really, really, really wrong?