Do You Love Me Like You Say You Do?

Posted on June 1, 2013 by Stasi

I said back off humanThere was recently a discussion about “popping off” at your sweetie when you don’t get your way. Some call this the “not taking any crap from anybody” approach; some call it “being assertive”. I call it bratty. Plain and simple. Yup! Just plain ol’ bratty. Of the two year old throwing a tantrum variety. Make no mistake, when you talk to someone you purport to love like they’re lower than the dirt of the earth Bratty Cathy just walked in and you let her possess you. Perhaps you and ol’ Cathy are intimate friends with this being your normal mode of operation. Pissy: pissed at the world, pissed at your guy, pissed at yourself. Just pissy. Bratty Cathy LOVES pissy! She and pissy are bffs. She. Will. Destroy. Your. Love. Absolutely, unequivocally, one hundred percent flat line it. Get that mouth under control before your guy gives up and checks out. And for some of us Bratty Cathy has become such a way of life that it’s not only our guy who is ready to give up and get going. Some of us are equal opportunity brats and treat everybody like crap. The problem with Le Brat is that she doesn’t only destroy any love between you and others, she destroys your relationship with yourself as well as your capacity to love. When you’re full of anger and fear there’s precious little room for love. No matter how hard you flap your wings there’s no way you’ll soar if you’re stubbornly clutching a bag full of boulders.

Being angry, and let’s face it, nasty, feels bad. Really bad. When you approach life from the brat pack you’re always on guard lest someone step on your very big, sore and out there toes. Relaxation escapes you. You’re on “CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!!” to quote Mad Eye Moody. No rest for the weary and all that. Being fatigued, angry and unable to rest completely does a number on you and you end up even more cheesed off. So you slip further into Bratville and treat people, especially your honey, like a pile of rotting poop. You end up feeling even worse, since all that anger is piling up, draining you more and literally making you sick. Love and anger cannot coexist. You cannot simultaneously be angry and loving. Vibrationally they’re at opposite ends of the energetic spectrum. If you insist on holding on to anger you cannot also hold space to be in love. I don’t mean “in love” like we usually think of the term: that fluttery, crazy, floaty, anxious feeling we associate with budding intimate relationships. No, when I say in love I mean seeing the world and operating from a loving point of view. Holding on to your anger because you feel you have a right to be angry keeps you out of the place of joy and happiness. By the way, you do have a right to feel anything you choose. Just realize you are choosing to feel the way you feel and you can just as easily choose to feel differently. If you insist on getting down in the gribblies and partying with your anger because, damn it you’re RIGHT, realize you’re choosing to be right over being happy. Being “right” will eat you alive, leaving you haggard, bitter and old long before you’re chronologically “old”. And you’re dooming yourself to chronically feeling bad.

Xanax? Not necessarily. There are techniques to help ditch the tendency to e-vil. ;)

Xanax? Not necessarily. There are techniques to help ditch the tendency to e-vil. ;)

So what’s all this got to do with making sure you’re not a doormat and letting your sweetie know exactly where he can step with that behavior (whatever it is)? Being pissy isn’t insurance against being a doormat, though it is assurance that you’re far more likely to be alone. How do you get out of this nightmare and into the flow of the good stuff? Two things come to mind: clearing and surrender. Yes, surrender – again! But first, the clearing out of all that anger. EFT is an excellent method for clearing anything and everything and is one of my absolute favorite do-it-yourself clearing techniques. It’s a simple technique that can be learned literally in minutes. There are oodles of videos on YouTube and articles on the internet demonstrating the technique, but my favorite place to learn all things EFT is The Tapping Solution. Frankly, you could use any technique you know to clear the anger so long as it gets cleared. And it doesn’t have to take years of talking and examining and analyzing how the neighborhood bully did blah, blah, blah way back when.*

But what about surrender? Where does that come in? And why does it have to? ::end whine:: If the man you’re with is your king (and that means you are his queen; it’s a partnership) he’s likely inclined to operate from his masculine. Kings do that. It’s damnably difficult to do that when you’re coming at him from the same place (thus putting you in the category of rival – not a place you want to be, trust me on this) or from the wishy washy neutral place. It’s also difficult to be a king when your queen is behaving like a fish wife. In response he’ll probably devolve into a potty brained gutter bum. Or leave. And there we sit in tears because yet another man we thought was our king or “The One” has left us in disappointment, further fueling our anger and bitterness.

The thing is, we don’t see how we contributed to our own disappointment and anger. It’s one thing to say “This is me; take me as I am or don’t” but do be prepared when the answer is “don’t” because secretly that’s what we’re after. Behaving like a venom-tongued harpy is a defense mechanism. At the heart of it is a deep fear of not being good enough, a belief that we are somehow deeply flawed. We strike first, protecting that soft, vulnerable inner core. Oddly, the best protection is to allow that vulnerable core to be seen by those we love, not to rip them to shreds. Surrender. Allow another to hold you, to hold space for you. Trust them to have a care in the garden of your inner world and not to have big feet, squashing all your flowers and sprouts. Be a guide to them to help them learn how and where to tread. If they make a mistake have a care with them, let them know firmly but gently. Trust that they want to be of service to you, that they want to help you be happy. They wouldn’t be your sweetheart otherwise.

Be willing to be vulnerable. Start small, as I’ve mentioned previously, and build from there. And while you’re building that trust keep your tongue in check. Glue that hair trigger to the floor! Remember trust goes two ways. If you’re breaking your partner’s trust while trying to build up your trust in him it’s not going to work. Eventually they’re going to start to pull away. When they do, you’re going to feel it and what trust you have will be shaken. Next thing you know you’re back to square one – if you’re lucky – or back to square none. He needn’t leave or go outside the relationship for you to be lonely. Remember this is a person you love; ask yourself is this how you would want someone to treat you if they said they loved you. And if they did would you really believe they loved you as they say they do?

scarf heart in the grass

 

*I can help you clear out old beliefs at the heart of your anger through energetic healing work quickly if you’d like to work with someone to help you stay on track and get to the roots. We don’t even need to be in the same state or country. If that’s a path you’d like to take, contact me and we can go from there.

**There are some partners in our lives who are genuinely out to hurt you. These are not the people I’m talking about. I am only suggesting being vulnerable and open with healthy, well adjusted adults. Those who aren’t in that category have their own issues to deal with. Even if you are a trained therapist, “fixing” them is NOT your job! If at any time you feel your partner is threatening you, GET HELP! I can not stress this enough! There are no awards for needless self sacrifice and no one is going to come along with laurels and awards for putting yourself in needless danger. If you’re in an unhealthy situation and can’t find your way out of it or seem to keep attracting unhealthy relationships do check out Codependents Anonymous as a resource. Also, a coach who also offers energetic healing work can be of service in tandem with a good therapist. Get help!!!

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Sneaky Demons

Posted on May 27, 2013 by Stasi

Just when you think “Yeah, I got this!” suddenly you find yourself in a tailspin, unable to move out of the dead space or do anything or even bother to care. For me I find myself meandering aimlessly, a raw anger dogging my heels every step. Suddenly I’m super driven, all dressed up and nowhere to go. Though that’s not entirely true. There are plenty of places I could go but none of them are particularly appealing unless it’s somewhere I have no interest in being. Then I get to beat myself up, ride the complain train and tell myself what a wastoid I am. Repeatedly.

My favorite demon seems to be the “I’m Not Good Enough” demon. It’s always sitting there in the background muttering hateful nothings like twisted background music, the evil soundtrack to my life. “You know, Stasi, they really don’t want to hang out with you. You have zero of interest to say.” “Oh, you have work? Seriously??? Who are you kidding? You aren’t qualified to tie your own shoe. Go study with another teacher/trainer/guru/person who has even less experience but way more chutzpah than you for another twenty years and then maybe you’ll have something worth listening to. Of course by then you’ll be so old you won’t likely have a voice but hey! At least then you’ll be interesting.” “Everybody’s better than you, sweetie. Go sit down and shut up. Just who do you think you are anyway?” For me, this demon appears as some snooty lord dressed in royal blue velvet, starched white shirt with lace collar and cuffs, gold buttons and pin straight, jet black emo hair. I have no idea what his eyes look like since he never looks at me; he’s too busy examining his nails to actually glance in my direction. I am beneath his notice. Except enough to notice that I’m hopelessly inadequate and make sure to remind me of my inadequacy at every opportunity. Methinks this haughty lord needs a name. He’ll have one by the end of this article. He may even deign to tell me himself. This demon seems to be my personal nightmare. He appears when I least expect it, though honestly I should expect him all the time since he never goes away and never truly shuts up. The really twisted thing? He’s damned hot – in a pale, drained-of-life-could-be-a-vampire sort of way. I suppose that’s all part of his dealio; he wouldn’t seem nearly so superior if he looked like *ss.

I suppose I could try to delete him, but honestly that would require giving him my attention and that’s what feeds him. So what to do about Sir Andrew Flauntleroy, Lord Cromwell? Any attention serves to make him stronger. Time to hit up my old favorite tools of surrender and gratitude. Be vulnerable, acknowledge I have this unwelcome companion who utterly detests and abuses me. He is there. He is here. He is with me. So what? He can only cause as much harm as I’m willing to allow. This is one of those places where faith serves me well. The Lady finds me worthy simply because I exist. Had She not I wouldn’t exist at all. If She finds me worthy then I am. Simple enough. So surrender to Her greater and much better informed judgement and flood myself with gratitude. I chant to myself my litany of gratitudes “I am so grateful and thankful that the Lady saw fit to give me life! I am so grateful and thankful that the Lady continues to find me worthy of that life! I am so grateful and thankful that I have a purpose for being here and that the Lady gave me so many gifts to share with the world!” And so it goes. Eventually this is accompanied by internal and/or external happy dances. I continue to think of many other things to be grateful and thankful for and once the floodgates of gratitude are opened they rush in so fast I haven’t time to think. Singing my gratitude litanies drowns out the nasty Lord Cromwell quite nicely. Occasionally, along with my litanies of gratitude, I find myself engaged in conversation with Sir Andrew Flauntleroy. He’ll spit venom at me and I simply reply “Is that so? Thank you for noticing,” or “Really? Thank you for telling me that.” It frustrates him so long as I remain grounded in gratitude. Eventually he skulks off to the shadows to mutter his nastiness to himself in the darkness.

The key is to remain heart centered, to keep my focus on the Lady and on the things I’m grateful for. Hate hasn’t a chance in the presence of love and gratitude. The more I practice keeping myself grounded and grateful the more quickly I’ll notice when he’s aiming for me full tilt and can shift my focus before I find myself mired in anger and self loathing.

 

black & white striped rose

Posted in Gratitudes, limiting beliefs, mindset, spirituality, The Deep Work, The Fine Art, The Goddess | Leave a comment

The Vague Void

Posted on April 30, 2013 by Stasi

A few years ago, a friend of mine was dating a soldier. He sounded absolutely adorable to me. She, on the other hand was nothing but complaints about him. He was in school, on active duty and starting a new relationship with her. All she could do was complain about the guy. Oh, he also lived an hour plus drive away. He would make the drive frequently. It wasn’t good enough for my friend. She kept complaining he needed to “drop in more”. He begged her to be patient until after school was done for the semester as then he would definitely have more time to spend with her. No. “I need you to drop in more” and apparently she needed this like last year. They’d only been seeing each other a little over a month. At the time I felt really uncomfortable hearing her rail on and on about what he wasn’t doing. I had no idea what she meant by “dropping in more”. I’m pretty sure he didn’t either. Did she want him to stop by more often? What was her specific request? I’ll never know as this was about five years ago. After multiple sessions of waaa about soldier cutie, who to me seemed to be trying to figure out what she wanted based on her description of his words and actions, she broke up with him. I never did learn what she meant by “drop in more” and I’m sure he didn’t either.

So what’s the problem with her request to “drop in more”? It’s vague. There are way too many variables, too many possible interpretations to know if there’s even a real request in there. No way can your guy be successful in helping you be happy with this kind of demand. And it’s a demand, not a request. This is a “do this or else” demand. If your sweetie feels like there’s just no way to win with you he’s gonna slip in to FUIDGAS mode. FUIDGAS = F*ck You I Don’t Give A Sh*t. A lot of us, men and women are walking around in FUIDGAS mode right now. We get there because Bratty Cathy shows up, throws a tantrum, makes some vague demand (notice how Le Brat never asks for anything?) and then gets pissy because she didn’t get her way. Uh, yeah. Watever. FUIDGAS. There’s no way to win when you’re demanding and vague. So what would’ve been a better approach? How about “You know I’m feeling X about X. I’d really appreciate it if you could do (fill in the blank) for/with me. Thank you!” You’re making a request. You’re being kind and not expecting your guy to be a mind reader and figure out what of the million possible manifestations of your demands it is that you’re after. You’re expressing gratitude for his efforts. He stands a shot at contributing to your happiness. No crystal ball necessary. You’re happy, he’s happy, everything works out!

You could alternately say something like “When you do X I feel X. How about we try this instead” then outline a simple action plan. Simple is the operative word here. Now is not the time to drag out your Prince Charming Reformation Manual in four volumes. He’ll take one look at that stack and quit. He knows he’s bound to forget something in those damn books, you’re gonna get cheesed off and Bratty Cathy will be paying a visit. She may even move in. Guys aren’t stupid. That’s a no win situation and most aren’t up for playing that game and the ones who do bother to play awhile learn it’s a game they can’t win and walk away. Another thing is to make sure your request doesn’t begin “I want you to…” Personally, my first reaction to anything starting with “I want you to…” is FUIDGAS. I really don’t care what you want because now you’re being pushy and making demands. Whereas I might have been interested in hearing you out had I been asked I’m now on the defensive. Who cares what you want? You apparently don’t think much of me since you’re demanding I do something for you like I’m your serf. Not happening. Btw, your children will respond similarly. They may be your children, but they’re still people and certainly not your property.

State your desires clearly as requests. Show gratitude and encouragement when your guy even makes a little move in the direction you want and do your best to ignore the flubs. Be genuinely thankful and enthusiastic when he does what you ask. And if he does something you like without you asking, i.e. he came up with something cool all on his own, please thank him for it! People really do like to be thanked when they make an effort on your behalf. Be generous when things don’t turn out exactly as you’d have referred; people are only human, after all. People wil absolutely make mistakes. Guys are people. Really. And they’re some of the most wonderful, beautiful people on earth. They’re damned adorable when you encourage them and treat them with dignity. Even the crochety ones will be adorable if you see and treat them as the adorable muffins they are. They will make mistakes. So will you. Remember that and be forgiving when goofs happen. The more specific you are in your requests the less likely they are to flub and the happier all will be in your world.

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Random Musings of the Week

Posted on April 15, 2013 by Stasi

It’s Friday before Spring Break starts up (AT LAST) for my younger boys. I’ve had a great cup of pumpkin ginger tea, even though the season for pumpkins is long past – or a long way off depending on how you look at it. Still, something about the feel of the weather lately has put a taste for it into me and I’ve been indulging the pleasure. That’s the way I do things. I’m very pleasure driven. I’m definitely one of those people who aren’t motivated by abstract sillinesses. If it’s going to be ew and it’s something that really needs to be done (by me) then I’ll find some way to bring a modicum of pleasure to it. If I don’t have to be the one to do it then I’m guaranteed to find someone or some way else to get the task done….

Mmmm…. Pleasure. It’s not the same thing as fun, though fun is indeed pleasurable. I don’t much care if a thing will be “fun” in the general sense of the word, but I very much do care if it will bring me pleasure. A sense of joy and enjoyment. That is a requirement before I ever begin. How will this thing/task/person make me FEEL? Mind, body and spirit? If mind and body say “s’okay” but spirit says “NO WAY!” guess what I’m not doing. All aspects have to be in agreement. If they aren’t then I have to check in and see what the issue is before I move on. Sometimes it’s an old fear, some little thing trying to become bigger that needs nipping. Other times there really is a serious concern that has to be honored and addressed in which case I may continue to engage with the person/situation/thing or I may not, depends on what turns up in the process….

I am one of those people who is strongly emotional. It’s not that I am incapable of being rational; I am surprisingly very analytical. But that seems to have naught to do with the way I function in the world. I FEEL everything first and foremost. Even while analyzing something I most likely will go in the direction of my feelings. I think as a culture we have come to associate emotionality with irrationality. We worship the mind and thought over the wisdom of the body and emotions. We end up in whole heaps of trouble lots of times because of this. Emotions are our feedback system, letting us in on entire worlds of info our conscious mind has missed. The subconscious (who misses nothing) speaks in emotions and images, not words and lofty ideals. Each mode of operation has a place, a function. Neither must be ignored in favor of the other….

It’s now Sunday night before the end of Spring Break. A lot and not much has happened this week. Most of the “happening” has been internal. Lots of adjustments, clearing work and doing everything I can to raise my vibration and keep it raised. I began the daily habit of creating a blessing ball of light to bless my day going forth, smoothing my passage through the day. I also had my first pu-erh tea experience. It was luscious! A new tea to enjoy! It’s become my morning tea. The thing about it is I need to set a timer and let it steep only five minutes or it isn’t as tasty. The one time I did allow it to over-steep it tasted flat. So I’ve now taken my first steps into tea connoisseur land. What a big pleasure! So much to explore and enjoy! And none of the icky after effects I get from wine. Perfect.

 

a rosy cup of tea

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The Is-ness of Things

Posted on March 25, 2013 by Stasi

Along with my practice of vulnerability and surrender has surfaced a need to practice accepting the is-ness of things. What exactly IS the is-ness of things? The is-ness of a thing is simply what IS. If it’s snowing heavily and you wanted to go for a lovely drive in the country, accepting the fact that it’s snowing heavily is accepting the is-ness of the situation. Does it mean you can’t go for that lovely country drive? Well, that depends. Is it snowing in blizzard proportions or at least enough to make the roads unsafe? If so, it’s a pretty good idea to stay in. If not, it depends on how heavily it’s snowing, the state of your vehicle and how much you like driving in snow. The heavy snow is the is-ness but what part of the is-ness is actually your business?

There’s always the temptation when looking at “what is” to stare at it endlessly until it becomes a THING. We all know what happens when we stare at a thing until it becomes a THING. That’s not the purpose of the practice of is-ness. Is-ness is your starting point. When you go for a walk you don’t stand there in your yard focused on where you’re starting from. Nor do you endlessly worry over how far you’ve got to walk until you get back to your starting point. Instead you glance around you, checkout the lay of the land, decide which way you’d like to go then get moving. Likewise with exercise, which is probably a more appropriate analogy. If you’ve laid off exercise for a few years, have grown out of your wardrobe and squishy of body you don’t pretend you’re a fitness champion when you get to the gym the first day (or at least you shouldn’t lest your squishy body disabuse you of that illusion post haste). You fiddle around with resistance on the treadmill and the weights a bit until you find your starting point. It may be disappointing; it most likely will be. You aren’t as close to Super Human as you thought. You are now face to face with the is-ness of your fitness situation. You don’t like where you are but now you have choices. You can cry and moan and wail about how unfit you are, collect your jiggly-wiggly marbles and go home. Taking this route will ensure that you won’t progress, but neither will you stay where you are. Your fitness level will decline as, alas, whining about your fitness level or lack thereof, though surely an exercise in resistance isn’t an aerobic exercise and you stand to be avoided as an insufferable waaa.

Another thing you could choose to do is see where you are, start your program but complain vociferously the whole way. Again you’ll be unbearable company so you might like to take that into consideration when flipping through your list of options. The other thing you’ll want to be aware of is complaining makes things horrid not only for those around you but also for YOU. When you complain you focus on the things you don’t like and turn them into THINGS. They just get bigger and bigger until they’re huge monsters that threaten to eat you whole and spit out your pitiful pits. All over your grandmother’s flower bed. Under this kind of onslaught you’re guaranteed to say “Aw H*LL NAWL!” and quit before you’ve had the chance to see any significant changes. Once more you won’t remain where you started but rather deteriorate, making the next time you make a start at getting fit even harder. You could also try the option of seeing where you are, not liking it at all, figuring where you’d rather be and focusing on that. No complaining. No whining or fixating on where you are. The is-ness of your situation becomes a launch pad for where you’d prefer to be.

Therein lies the gift of acknowledging the is-ness of a thing, be it a person, situation or otherwise. Notice “what is” only long enough to get the gift then move on, the gift being “here is something you don’t like/want so you can decide what it is you do want”. If you cry, scream, yell and complain about the is-ness of your situation you become totally un-fun to be around and attract more un-fun people to you so you can have your very own soggy little misery crew of I Can’t Campers. You get to sit around bemoaning how things “are” (said with a heavy, groaning, complain-y sort of sigh), do and say nothing about what you really want (thus side stepping your creative responsibility) and ensure you get a whole lot more of whatever it is you’ve been devoting so much of your time, emotions and focus to. Lots of people live this way, unpleasant as it is.

As a Sensualista, you get to break out your yummy tools and go mining for the treasure in your is-ness. There is always a gift to be had. If you can’t change the situation or person, you can change how you respond to them (by the way, attempting person changing is a serious exercise in futility, not to mention just plain ol’ un-fun; the only person you ever, ever have any control over EVER is yourself). The choice and power are always yours. Always. Take just long enough to see where you are, notice what you don’t like then get on with focusing on where you want to be no matter what else pops up. If new information seems significant enough, check it out and course correct as necessary. I strongly suggest installing mental/emotional pop up blockers to help keep you on course. Otherwise you can get distracted by the minutiae and will need to constantly refocus or end up losing focus altogether, paying attention to the “don’t wants” and getting more of them. Is-ness is a very important tool of discovery on your journey to full fledged Sensualista. It’s a gift and I’m all about gifts and goodies, even if sometimes is-ness goodies seem like baddies at first: “Aw, CRUD! A pile of poo!” Well, I can always add it to my compost heap or dig it into my lush and lovely garden. After all, it’s out of the sh*t of life that roses grow.

images (1)

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My Valentine’s Obsession

Posted on February 12, 2013 by Stasi

trail of rosesI have a confession: I am absolutely, one hundred percent addicted to Valentine’s Day. I love pretty much everything about it (minus the smarm). Give me the pink, the hearts, the flowers, all that frilly, silly, froufy, romantic SHTUFF and I am a happy camper. I’d be happy to make Valentine’s Day a practice and have a bodacious, rampaging Valentine’s YEAR. Every. Single. Year. I love decorating with all those fabulous symbols of love: hearts, pink, flowers, pink, lacy things, pink, sparklies and did I mention pink? If I had my druthers. At the moment I have a house full of animals instead of druthers and a bunch of “ew! girly! COOTIES!!!” guys, otherwise my house would likely be top to bottom pinks, purples and soft greens, rooms inspired by Laura Ashley and Simply Shabby Chic (thank you, Target!), fuzzy, ruffly pretty pillows in various shapes and sizes, especially heart-shaped, tons of fresh flowers and lush houseplants in every room. (Did I mention I’m a houseplant fanatic?) Every room a tribute to my lavish, lush sensuality and an ode to Valentine’s Day.

That’s what I really adore about Valentine’s Day. The usual card-candy-dinner-movie formula is okay but doesn’t really inspire me. Neither does the current variant of card-candy-dinner-movie-sex, though I’m not one to turn down offers of seriously lush, decadent, hot sex. I just don’t much care for your average garden variety sex. Snore. But I digress! What gets me all giddy and over the moon about Valentine’s Day is all the sentiment and all the stuff geared towards exploring romantic love. I adore all the reminders to be more joyful, open, loving, vulnerable….

Wait, did I just say vulnerable??? Um, yes, as a matter of fact I did. I know, I know! Crap it! Stasi, can’t you do or like anything without bringing up that whole vulnerability/surrender thing? Well, if it is to be authentic then, no. No way around that. Full love and sensuality require a willingness to not only see, but be seen. Blobby tummies, pasty butts, buck teeth and all. To be a full Sensualista, to really rock your awesome you have to drop the armor. Not all the time, of course. No one’s suggesting you stand in a hail of arrows without cover. At least not at first. That’s not vulnerable, that’s just stupid. Once you’re a Vulnerability Ninja, you’ll be able to stand in that hail of arrows, too. Will you get hit? Yes. A lot. I did say HAIL of arrows. Will it kill you? Not even. Please note I am not anywhere near a Vulnerability Ninja. I’m still working at the level of “How Not To Be A Complete Coward In Sixteen Easy Lessons”. I may have completed lesson two or three. A hail of arrows will have my little rabbity butt diving for cover in zip time. I’ll be gone so fast I won’t even catch a breeze from the first arrow.

The thing is, I’ve learned that most of life isn’t even close to an arrow storm. At most on a bad day it’s like sand in the face. Not pleasant to have sand in the face but nothing to run from or suit up over, either. True, it doesn’t stop me from sitting with my back to walls or being aware of where everyone in the room with me is at any given moment but I’m working on it. Hey! I even sat in the middle of the food court at the mall and managed to relax and mostly forget about the milling people just last week. ::applauding myself and taking a bow:: I’m getting better at this vulnerability and trust thing. I’ve never been seconds away from circling the wagons at a moment’s notice; I’m more of a clear out at the first sign of trouble non-truster. The thing is, I’m learning life’s a lot more fun if I relax and trust that even if not a single human is watching out for me, the Lady is. She has my back. Surrender to Her and I’m able to trust and surrender to myself and my desires. Next thing you know a whole new world is open to me and I’m able to trust (gasp!) other humans and from there life gets better.

So, what’s all this got to do with Valentine’s Day? Everything! I may be Scared Bunny Chica but I also can see plainly that all the greatest bits about Valentine’s Day aren’t necessarily the hearts, flowers and fancy meals. (And sex. Why is sex such a big deal on Valentine’s Day? Seriously, aren’t people thinking about sex the rest of the year? Why save it all up for one day? Nevermind. I’ll go there eventually. Wait for it.) It’s not so much the stuff we’re after, but the feeling of loving and being loved, of being truly and deeply accepted as we are. The stuff is just a symbol, a reminder of what we really want. In order for that to happen we have to step out, be seen and be willing to let someone else come into us and see us. As we are. All of it. No armor, no shields. That takes extraordinary courage and a willingness to be vulnerable. We’d rather the flowers, dinners, sex and candy because then we don’t have to think about the things all that stuff represents. I’ll even venture to state sex isn’t so great as it could be without vulnerability. Either give your all or go the heck home. I’m not ready to go home. Guess I’d better get with the rest of the lessons on my way to Vulnerability Ninja status. See you in the arrow storm.

*For some really good reading on vulnerability, do read Dr. Brene Brown‘s “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead”. It should be titled “Awesoming In Action” or “How To Be Awesome”. It’s that good.

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Happy Birthday To Me!

Posted on December 3, 2012 by Stasi

Tuesday is the beginning of my 45th turn around the sun. Goddess, I can’t figure out how I got so many years under my belt! I could say I don’t feel any different than I did when I was twenty years younger, but that wouldn’t be true. I am more vibrant, alive and self assured than I was then. I have more energy and zest for living than I ever imagined I could have when I was in my twenties. What I don’t feel is old or even remotely middle aged, whatever that means. Maybe that’s due to all the inner work I’ve been doing these past years. Maybe it’s the happier diet I’ve been eating. Maybe it’s because I finally feel like I have a clue as to why I’m here. Maybe it’s a combination of all the above (my suspicion). Whatever it is, I feel more like I’ve grown younger or better or whatever one does when one starts out in one place and ends up some place so much better than where one began. (Ah, the many uses of the word ‘one’. Such fun!)

Weeeeeeee! Look out world, here I come!

As I reflect on my last sun turn and prepare for the coming one, I find myself far more curious about life, the universe and everything than twenty years ago and eager to see what’s next, determined to make it even better than the last time. That makes the coming year damn awesome seeing as how this year was pretty fantasmadorical. I decided earlier this year that I would not be in the same place doing the same thing as last year this time and I’ve managed exactly that. Now it’s time to step up my game and go all the way. I’ve tested the waters and know I can swim not only better than I thought but extremely well. The water creatures are friendly and willing to help when I need it. Nothing like knowing there’s no way I can drown to boost my confidence! This is what it feels like to know in the very heart of myself that the Goddess has my back. It’s energizing! I’m going to enjoy the coming spin around the sun even more this time. The coming times feel like the beginnings of an endless party promising a bottomless supply of euphoria and I’m the guest of honor. At this rate I’ll fulfill my assertion that I will never get old. I may get older but getting old is entirely optional. It’s time to dance. Care to join me?

 

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Stand In The Mindset of Your Power, pt. 2

Posted on November 14, 2012 by Stasi

So what do I mean by standing in the mindset of your power? Isn’t it the same as standing in your power? Yes and no. You have to stand in your power in order to know its mindset. There’s a subtle but important difference. Once you’re in the place of your power then you can begin to explore and know its mindset. I am both healer and writer. There is a specific way those who heal and those who write think and behave. An easy way to get started is to ask “if a writer/healer/football player were in this situation, how would they think? act? respond?” Then you wait for the inner promptings that direct you. Why wait? Because the first things you’re likely to hear are trussed up ideas you’re been told about how someone who does “X” SHOULD act. Usually the ones doling out this behavioral bad advice are those who don’t have any connection whatsoever to “X”, but boy can they tell you all about it! Their voices become the frenemy voices in your head and will have you off track before you can scratch your nose. So. Be still. And listen. After you’ve made the time to do the inner systems check then you can act accordingly. You are acting from the mindset of your power. Now you know how to use what you know.

There’s a feeling component to it as well. Both your head and heart are equally engaged, but your feelings are what will tell you if you are correct. If you think you should go one way, begin on the path and feel uncomfortable that’s feedback. Pay attention. You may be going the wrong way. Feeling fear because what you’re at is an unknown is one thing; pushing on when you’re feeling something is wrong without stopping to check it out is another thing entirely and a very bad idea every time. That’s akin to seeing a dog who’s snarling, growling and looks for all the world like it’s ready to take your arm off but telling yourself it’s okay to pet it because its tail is wagging. Always check in with your place of power, your authentic center to see if you’re in alignment with what you’re either already doing or considering doing.

As always there will be enthusiastic sayers of nay when you begin operating from not just your power (a.k.a. authentic center) but also from the mindset of your power. It’s scary enough to those who think they know us well to have us change what we do but for us to change how we think and act in accordance with that? It’s downright terrifying! Now they think they don’t know you or you’re “trying to be someone you’re not” according to their comfort zone. It’s now up to them to make you see reason and get back to being the person they’re comfortable with so they can get back to the habitual way they behave with you. If you notice, their discomfort and saying of nay has nothing to do with you at all. Not a thing. So, bless them to find their own way while you continue on yours, keeping yourself and your path a priority.

Another way of finding the mindset of your power is to allow it to possess you. Yup! Let it take you over as if it were a being separate from you and operating through you, your body merely a tool it uses to accomplish its task. Thus you don’t garden, gardening gardens through you, drawing uses you to draw, swimming uses you to swim. You become a passenger, an observer in your own body learning how to be and think and feel who you are. It gets easier the more you practice but I will warn you it’s a damned scary way to learn. You have to get out of your way and relinquish control of yourself. At first you won’t be able to do it for more than a few minutes. I kid you not when I tell you there is resistance to going this route. Dangerous? Not even! But we’re so used to consciously directing everything about ourselves that moving aside for some power we feel is an unknown will bring on the fight every time.

Not to rail on that poor little wash rag of pop psychology, but it’s your ego. Your ego is there to keep you safe. Giving up control is not seen by the ego as safe, especially to an unknown. To the ego (who’s an excellent employee, by the way) this all comes across as less than half baked, totally insane and a sure sign you’re heading for annihilation. Annihilation is not an option so far as your ego is concerned. Remember that bit about keeping you alive? It takes its job very seriously. Until you help your ego (who’s likely to join forces with your subconscious) to see this as a safe practice, it will be a struggle and you’ll likely feel afraid for no apparent reason. You may think consciously “Oh! I’m allowing my power to take me for a drive and teach me how it all works!” Your ego will likely see it as the zombie apocalypse, Rosemary’s baby and The Exorcist all rolled into one big “OH LAWDY!!! The children of the corn done moved out the corn and into your head! DANGER! DANGER!” Yeah. Go slowly if you choose this route and be gentle with yourself.

I like using both methods together. I’m sure there are any number of other ways to get to know the mindset of your power. I’ve only mentioned two of them here as these are currently the ones I’m most familiar with. There are likely as many ways to know your mindset as there are people. Give these methods a try and go from there. Let me know what results you get! I love sharing and bouncing around ideas.

Finding out how your power thinks/behaves begins with standing in your power, so always start there. Figure out who you are authentically and from there allow yourself to explore all that that means. And be gentle with yourself. Love yourself. Don’t make a fuss about getting it wrong. If you find you’re not operating in ways that make you feel good, course correct and keep going. Pause when you need to, maybe even before then. Check in often so you catch the little off bits sooner. And above all enjoy yourself! Really! Enjoy who you are as you become adept at operating not only from your power center but from the mindset of that center as well.

This is how Miss Ruby Jewel operates from her power center

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Stand In The Mindset of Your Power, pt. 1

Posted on October 23, 2012 by Stasi

I had the strangest dream the other night. I dreamt there was a great evil running loose killing good people, people who were friends. These colleagues were just out doing what they enjoyed when danger struck. It didn’t matter if they were alone or in company. This was one mighty powerful evil and it took them all down. Finally there was only me. Not in all the world, but just out of this group of like minded individuals. It came for me and at first it had no physical form. I fought it off, protecting those innocents near by. Finally it took shape and became the dumbest looking bad guy I’ve ever seen. He wore one of those brown suits common in 1940′s movies and a fedora, but his head was a great big egg! Seriously, his head was an egg with a face, complete with a mustache and normal human teeth. We had our final showdown, Mr. Egghead and I (I even called him Mr. Egghead in the dream, though he preferred some other more scary-demon name which I don’t remember). He held me by the neck (for some reason I wasn’t choking) and was tickling me. I swatted his hand away and told him whatever he was up to was tickling and to stop. I tried using my great reservoirs of power against him and nothing much happened. He informed me he was draining me of my energy. I immediately began drawing energy from heaven and earth. I wasn’t drained but for whatever reason I could do nothing against him. At that rate he and I would have been there for centuries. He was a big baddy but even he couldn’t drain the source of my power. Then it dawned on me: I was trying to battle him with the same mind set he used. I turned my healing powers into a weapon to be used like Mr. Egghead used his power. No wonder I was ineffective! As soon as I returned to my core and stood firm in the mindset of my power I became VERY effective. I saw his wounds and offered healing and compassion. He couldn’t endure this. Mr. Egghead was defeated by a healer standing in the mind and heart of healing.

Mr. Egghead was no less taken out than had I been a warrior doing the same. The thing is I’m NOT a warrior; never have been. Mr. Egghead may have been doofy looking but he was still a bad dude who’d killed at least ten other people and was about to add me to that number. It worked for a short while to confront him on his terms but eventually that failed. On his terms meant I was beginning from the beginning, entering new and unfamiliar territory. He had a huge head start. Sure, the energy of healing and the energy of defense and attack is all the same energy – energy is energy is energy – but they require a different mindset. My mindset is that of healer. Healing isn’t always sweet and gentle and you really have to be willing to destroy some things and hold firm. Getting squishy on disease or blockages means they get to stick around and run you (and the person you’re trying to help) over. Many of us who have done spell work of one kind or another are familiar with the saying “those who cannot hex cannot heal” meaning healing is in essence a work of destruction as well as nurturing. Diseases of body, mind or spirit are destroyed in the process of helping the being you’re helping get better. The mindset is what makes all the difference.

I know how to wield energy for healing purposes. I know how to help create joy and pleasure in the world. How to be a warrior? Totally foreign concept for me. I had to overcome the thing that was trying to drain me and eventually destroy me via standing in who I am. I had to use what I knew the way I knew it. That’s what worked for me. The message I got from this dream is to be authentically me no matter what the circumstances. It’s the only way to be successful. Otherwise the forces around me will drain me dry and kill me or at the very least hold me hostage and prevent me from completing my task.

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Friday Past Blast – Awakening?

Posted on October 13, 2012 by Stasi

I feel so strange these days. I have been eating cooked food like its going out of fashion, literally STUFFING myself as though to shove something down – HARD. I have been thinking on this and finally came to the realization that I am undergoing some kind of awakening, kind of like in gaming where you level up. I am becoming again. I ate as though I could deaden the sensations beginning to pour through me. Funny thing is I still ate only plants so the deadening is minimal. Last night after eating a bowl of pasta and sauce I felt like I was comfortably shoved inside a pillow. I still felt everything, though.

I guess some kind of description of what’s happening is in order, hmm? To begin with, I generally have a feeling of not-quite-here-ness. This is a constant feeling of slightly out of phase with the world around me, always playing in the background. To notice it all I have to do is pay attention. No matter where I am or what I’m doing it’s always there. I touch my skin and it feels kind of numb-but-not-really, my hands and feet vibrate, the top of my head tingles; I can feel my heart and crown chakras wide open and also my feet. Is there a chakra at my feet? I have heard of such. It feels like standing in a swirling lotus made of pink energy. Head to toe I am vibrating. My spine feels warm and tingly; something warm and viscous is making its way slowly up my spine. When I am either hungry or have only eaten raw food my eyes feel like they are glowing, radiating energy and light as though turning the lights off would show my eyes shining like beacons.

I have ceased my running from my own becoming. I can’t get away from it anyway. The food has made me very aware of this. No matter what I eat or do the becoming will still take place, though I will be less aware and thus less prepared for what is happening. This is always an unpleasant way for things to progress. If I am awake and aware of the process I can ask for help, or more accurately accept the help that is being offered as I need it. I may as well eat the foods that will help in this rather than those that will cause me to feel like I am comfortably stuffed inside a pillow.

The thing about all this is that sometimes I feel like I am perhaps too vulnerable, too open when I am this way. I worry that I will not be any fun to those around me, that I will be too strange. I resist being a mystic only to find my mystical world view leaking out all over the place without my conscious attention. From a mental perspective nothing in this world makes any sense to me. It’s like a language that I can almost read, almost understand, but the sounds and letters blur, run together and reform; I suppose it’s a lot like trying to read a foreign language reflected in a lake, then a pebble plops down in the middle of it all and you can’t read the ripples. When the water is still again something new is there in a different language and now I must begin again. It’s all very confusing! Sometimes I feel like a child, understanding nothing.

Emotionally I feel soft, open, safe and as I have said before, confused. Everything looks like I’ve never seen it before, like someone’s put a dimmer on the color, mufflers on the wind and sun. I am not feeling them as they are or perhaps as I remember them and it feels a little disorienting, like the time between dreaming and fully awake. Every moment I feel like I am on the edge of seeing something that’s supposed to be there, IS there. In fact I can kind of see it already hidden in plain sight, but no one else seems to notice, no one else seems to hear the almost-sounds, smell the almost-smells, taste the emergence of Reality on their lips. Strange, strange, strange. It’s as though the veil is not there for them, or maybe it is but it’s so dense to them they can’t feel it or even notice its presence. Maybe this is why I’m here, to help the veil fall away? Dunno. In the meantime, Doug says the way I feel is something people do drugs to experience. I wouldn’t know. I don’t do drugs.

Posted in Friday Past Blast, herbivorous living, raw foods, reflections, spirituality, The Deep Work | Leave a comment